What follows is an attempt to put into words what must simply be experienced by each warrior, throughout a lifetime of searching.  But on the off chance it might have value to someone as validation or cause for amusement, I offer it here as "the rear-view mirror"... a look backward.

By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired. 

~Nikos Kazantzakis

        When I was 11 years old, I fell head-first into Star Trek, (the original series) and I attribute it with initially pointing me in the general direction I needed to go.  Star Trek addressed issues of human diversity, paranormal phenomenon, alien contact, etc.  I can honestly say that this electronic teacher was my first mentor.  It awakened within me a desire and a need-for-knowledge  – it filled me with a sense of longing & wonder that made me want to reach out to the stars themselves.  I knew – intuitively Knew  – that somewhere out there in the vast universe there were others like myself.  Even at that age, I had recognized that I was unlike classmates & teachers, almost a different species.  In school, I was a straight-A student without the benefit of ever having to crack a book.  I just knew stuff.  In hindsight, though I didn't have words for it then, it is clear to me now that this was my first introduction to gnosis -- the direct gleaning of information straight from the universe itself.

        One night I had been watching Star Trek over at my grandmother's cabin.  (She lived on the property where I grew up – a 5-acre mini-motel in the middle of the swamplands of central Florida).  When I left her cabin to return to the main house – about 100 yards away – I just stopped in my tracks and stared up at the stars, filled with this terrible longing/ache/need, as if something had spoken to me in a language I could not understand.  I wanted to be part of that.   And without fully understanding what I was doing, I raised my fist to the sky and said with absolute intent/will:  "If I can't come to you, I'll bring you to me!"  With an 11 year old's perceptions, I couldn't say what I was even talking to.  And I couldn't know that I was speaking with my will/intent until years later when I understood the concept.  All I know is that – right then and there – the journey began for me.

       Excerpt from a journal entry:

        "Consider a colony of black ants.  Nearby exists a colony of red ants, but the two are completely unaware of one another.  Physically, they are identical except for color.  But the black ants have telepathy, unconditional love, sentience, etc., whereas the red ants are ignorant dirt-movers, hunter-gatherers with an ability to speak; nothing more.  Occasionally mutations can occur, and a "black" ant is born with red skin.

 On the surface, I look exactly like a red ant – but it's only a color mutation.  I'm really a black ant more rightfully aligned to the colony next door, but of which I have no  direct personal knowledge, so all I could do was feel alienated among the other red ants; not a painful, psychological alienation – just a quiet and even peaceful sense of knowing I wasn't one of them.  A sense of waiting for the other black ants to find me, or for myself to develop the means to go looking for them.

  So it is with humanity.  We all look more or less the same, but there would seem to be black ants & red ants -- two physically similar species who are altogether different beneath the skin..."

         At 11, I began to actively function like a black ant.  There had been indicators prior, but this was when I had my first awakening of consciousness and acted upon it by avowing, "If I can't come to you, I'll bring you to me." 

        So, my awakening came through a process that began, perhaps, with this childhood experience.  Over the years, it has taken many manifestations – Orlando was certainly the major turning point.  It was shortly after meeting him that I began reading Castaneda for the first time – and even during first reading of the books, I began to experience many peculiar events.  One example:  when reading some passage about Carlos' encounter with a moth, and don Juan subsequently telling him the moth was a messenger of wisdom... That night, Wendy & I were sitting outside, and a huge moth began circling between us, even though there were not normally moths of this variety in the area.  Another night, many months later while still reading through the books, I had a "dreaming" experience wherein I awakened in the middle of the night to discover someone much like don Juan sitting on the foot of the bed, talking quietly as I slept.  I do not know what he said, but the messages penetrated deeper than conscious awareness at that time.  I feel this was an excursion into second or third attention, wherein I was literally interacting with an ally who took the form of don Juan because that's where my mind was at the time. 

        There were many experiences of this nature ("coincidences" occurring as a result of these books), and my general interpretation of these omens of power was that the knowledge contained in the books was quite valid.  It occurred to me that perhaps Carlos was, himself, don Juan – the shaman acting in the guise of the fool in order to facilitate the Knowledge  that might not otherwise be accepted if delivered directly from the lips of the fool.  Human prejudice is a sad fact.  Because of our own self-importance, we won't easily accept "wisdom" from our fellow man, but we will accept it from religious icons, burning bushes, or the occasional passing "holy man", so... it has never mattered to me whether or not don Juan existed in the physical realm, or was only a tool Carlos used to get his ideas across.

Whether physical or not, don Juan Matus was most definitely "real", most definitely Carlos' teacher, benefactor and nagual.  This is why attempts at debunking Castaneda have never been effective with me, despite several attempts by friends & colleagues.  The concepts are valid when one begins doing the work, and therefore direct knowledge based on experience can never be debunked.

 When I realized that is when  I learned to change my mindset from rigid to fluid.  I began to base opinions on direct personal knowledge/experience rather than on what I had been taught, and this was my first step toward increasing my own "personal power". 

 About this same time, Wendy had a profound experience wherein she was quite literally yanked out of her body by an ally & taken to the third attention.  This occurred while in a dream state, but was no dream.  She was yanked out of herself and essentially dangled over the abyss itself while this ally held onto her wrists to keep her from literally blowing away in this fierce, howling, horrific wind.  He kept telling her, "Take the fire.  Take the fire."  She was holding onto his wrists to keep from being blown away into absolute nothingness by this fierce wind, yet she knew that if she didn't trust him and do as he said, she would  be obliterated utterly.  So she released her hold on him and took the fire, at which point, she & the teacher were once again in a stable environment. He said, "Good.  There will be those who believe you and those who do not.  You must never trust them."  It is believed the "fire" was the will/identity/intent to do this journey... though interpretation of this event is ever-changing.  This was a life-changing event for her, and, as a byproduct, for me.  When she told me, it was as if I had been there, too.

The next major event in this process occurred in 1994, when I saw the movie, Interview With the Vampire.  It's been pointed out to me that I talk a lot about movies, I think it's because this particular medium has the ability to address aspects of the human condition which are normally  ignored  within the everyday machinations of the consensual reality.    With THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK, there was a ring of truth to the ideas of magick – which was actually manifestations of will & intent.  In a recent movie, THE MATRIX, I have a very strong identification with the notion that the "reality" with which we are presented is, in a word, bullshit. Any warrior knows this to be true, yet the ordinary man on the street seems to have no idea whatsoever, and goes through life asleep in the matrix.

 In the guise of "fiction",  writers & filmmakers can directly address those things considered in polite consensual society to be poppycock, fantasy, delusion, etc.  Movies can give us a glimpse of our more-than-human potential, but it's a safe glimpse in that we have the option to see only the "fictional" movie or to see the deeper intent behind it – the man behind the curtain, as it were.

 Interview With the Vampire is where I began to see a connection between several concepts that had persisted throughout my life.  When one of the main characters (Louis) awakens from the dead in his creator's arms (Lestat), and into his immortality, Lestat tells him, "Open your vampire eyes."  Louis does this, then goes on to narrate, "Might as well ask heaven what it sees. The world had changed, yet stayed the same.  The statue appeared to move, yet did not.  I was a newborn vampire, weeping at the beauty of the night." 

Louis & Lestat - The Lure of Immortality
Interview With the Vampire
Photo copyright © Geffen Pictures

In short, this character was seeing in the Castaneda sense, but with the added advantage of immortality.  In interviews, Anne Rice has admitted to an intense fascination with Castaneda, and so it stands to reason that these concepts are reflected in her work.   So – yet again – I was brought back to the same concepts, except now they had connected not only to seeing, but to ideas of immortality itself.  In the film, these immortals had achieved permanent sentience which was based partially in seeing and altogether in perception.  They were immortal because not only had the structure of their body been altered down to a molecular level, but so had their perceptions.  They had gained the personal power necessary to perceive eternity and withstand the forces of the Infinite.